the set up.

my aunt is having work done on her house. she decides she wants to set me up with one of the guys doing the work. she asks me if 33 is too old for me. she brings me to the house to "meet" this guy which consists of the quickest of hello's ever. she asks if she can give him my number if he asks for it. i figure this guy isn't going to ask for my number after a two second meet n' greet. he does. he calls. we talk for approximately two seconds during which he asks if i like to drink and if i'd like to go to a beer fest in atlantic city. i agree to go cuz i'm not quick on my feet. in all honesty i'm good with beer, i hate atlantic city. also, a road trip to atlantic city with some guy i don't know = weirdest first date ever. but i figure it'll make for a good story so whatev.

then the regret sets in. not just because i've now committed to going to a beer fest in atlantic city with some 33-year-old named brian that i don't know who still lives with his parents (did i not mention that? yikes!), but more importantly, because my family knows him! so my aunt starts calling daily asking if brian has called yet. if we've made plans. when are we hanging out? then i go home for the weekend and i'm having dinner with my *almost* entire family and gigi starts bringing up this guy and asking all sorts of questions and then my mom gets in on it and i try to leave the table but i'm sitting in the back and no one will get up to let me out because they like to watch me suffer. and then i'm going bowling and my aunt asks if brian is going bowling. and i think she means my brother's friend brian since my brother was also going and his friend lives near the bowling alley and i say that i'm not sure. and then i realize she means brian brian and i think gross and i try to leave. but before i do i mention the billy joel tickets i got that morning and my mother says 'maybe brian would like to go to billy joel.' because yeah i'm going to waste a billy joel ticket on some guy i don't know. are you f'in kidding me!! so i go bowling and after bowling my aunt asks who came bowling and i tell her and i say brian and my aunt gets all excited and i wonder why she cares that much that mike's brother brian came bowling and then i realize she thinks brian came bowling and it makes my head almost explode.

and then nothing.

nothing from my mom. nothing from my aunt. and nothing from brian. the weekend i was supposed to be at the beer fest? nothing.

and i'm happy if not confused.

but then yesterday my aunt calls me. she asks about brian. i inform her he never called me back and that i'm okay with that and to just drop it. she informs me that she has also learned that he doesn't drive. doesn't even have his license. how i, someone living in jersey city without a car, was supposed to date someone not living in jersey city without a license is beyond me. but she continues. she informs me that there's a new guy working on the house. he's in his 30's. divorced. a teacher. and he wants her to set him up with me. i inquire why all these men working on my aunt's house want to be set up with me, someone they don't know at all. she says she shows them my picture. i inquire which picture. i think i must look pretty hot in this picture. she says the picture from the ski trip. the ski trip? i ask. the youth group ski trip? from high school? this guy wants to be set up with me based on a picture from when i'm 17!!!

she says she also shows them the picture of me with my cousins. in which i'm 19. which i guess is okay. cuz i'm legal?