attendees:
me
two out of three smith sisters (kate sent brownies in her place)
tobey
food/beverages:
jones cream soda
pizza bagels
pizza rolls
spicy sesame chicken bites
oreo brownies (courtesy of kate)
entertainment:
high school musical
discussing ashley tisdale's new nose
snl
If3: Questions for the game of love
Basically, how jealous are you??
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
why i shouldn't call my mom when i feel sick...
so i'm at work and all of a sudden i get this terrible pain on the left side of my stomach. it feels kind of like a cramping pain, right below my rib and it hurts like hell and it's only on the one side. and i think this is weird and possibly a little worrisome so i call my mom. cuz she's a nurse. and she's my mom. and maybe she can help. ha.
so i ask my mom what side your appendix is on and my mom starts laughing hysterically at me. like non-stop. for like ten minutes. then she tells me it's the right side. so i determine that i don't have appendicitis. and i determine that i shouldn't call my mom for medical advice.
then i ask my mom if she ever laughs at the little kids when they come to the nurse's office and tells her their symptoms. and she says yes sometimes she does.
my mom is a bad nurse.
and then she gave me a lecture about not going to see the golden compass.
so i ask my mom what side your appendix is on and my mom starts laughing hysterically at me. like non-stop. for like ten minutes. then she tells me it's the right side. so i determine that i don't have appendicitis. and i determine that i shouldn't call my mom for medical advice.
then i ask my mom if she ever laughs at the little kids when they come to the nurse's office and tells her their symptoms. and she says yes sometimes she does.
my mom is a bad nurse.
and then she gave me a lecture about not going to see the golden compass.
Monday, December 10, 2007
why i shouldn't shop after talking to my mom...
i needed to buy my nephew a birthday present. he's going to be 10. i've never been a 10-year-old boy before so i'm kinda clueless as to what to get him. i call my mom.
i talk to my mom. i get guilt tripped into going to some live nativity thing in the bronx on saturday. i try to express my disinterest in this to my mom since i would have to get up at the ass crack of dawn to go to the bronx since i will be in monroe this weekend and how ridiculous it would be for me to go to monroe so as to get on a bus at the ass crack of dawn to spend my saturday at some live nativity thing in the bronx particularly since i will inevitably be wildly hungover from the ridiculous night planned for friday. my mom says something about the reason for the season and then says she doesn't want to talk to me anymore if i'm going to have an attitude and hangs up.
i go to the store. i shouldn't shop after talking to my mother. i shouldn't talk to my mother.
i came very very close to buying my nephew the golden compass book on tape and a sex pistols belt.
i talk to my mom. i get guilt tripped into going to some live nativity thing in the bronx on saturday. i try to express my disinterest in this to my mom since i would have to get up at the ass crack of dawn to go to the bronx since i will be in monroe this weekend and how ridiculous it would be for me to go to monroe so as to get on a bus at the ass crack of dawn to spend my saturday at some live nativity thing in the bronx particularly since i will inevitably be wildly hungover from the ridiculous night planned for friday. my mom says something about the reason for the season and then says she doesn't want to talk to me anymore if i'm going to have an attitude and hangs up.
i go to the store. i shouldn't shop after talking to my mother. i shouldn't talk to my mother.
i came very very close to buying my nephew the golden compass book on tape and a sex pistols belt.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Thanksgiving, or why I don't go home anymore.
Ugh, the holidays. Family. Food. Lots of things that start with the letter F that I have little to no interest in.
Every year there is great debate over where to have Thanksgiving. There area pretty much only two options: at my parent's or at my brother's in Vermont. The first (and only) year we had Thanksgiving at my brother's I was very much against the idea. This was because I was still in college and would only be home for a few days on break. I wanted to spend this time seeing my friends, not in a car for 14 hours. Of course, no one cared and we went to Vermont. Every year since I've been very much pro Thanksgiving in Vermont. This is because I was now living at home and seeing my friends all the freakin' time. Also, because having my brother in charge of Thanksgiving means my mom is not and thus it will inevitably be a much less stressful event. Of course, once again, no one has cared and we've spent every Thanksgiving since at my parent's. This year, it seemed almost definite - Vermont. There, of course, was drama - who would drive with who? Who would go up when? Who would sleep where? I stayed out of it. Mostly because I knew I would not be heard so why bother putting my two cents in. At the very last minute, for reasons beyond absurd, it was decided - we were to stay in NJ. I resolved that next year I would spend the holiday alone in my apartment with a hot pocket. I hate holidays!
I went home. This is why that was a bad idea.
Let's begin with the fact that I've been sick. I know what you're thinking. I'm always sick. But this is like really sick. This is can't eat anything sick. So this is no fun sick. Especially on Thanksgiving. I don't care about turkey. I don't think much of it. But, man oh man, do I love me some stuffing. And some sweet potatoes. And cranberry sauce! Oh and dessert. How I love dessert! But, alas, there was no dessert for me this Thanksgiving. There was half a cookie and then a stomachache.
What do I love about holidays? The clothes. Holidays are opportunities to get dressed up. Well, I suppose it is for people that are not my family. My family believes in a casual holiday atmosphere. I could get away with wearing my pj's to dinner type of atmosphere. I get dressed up anyway. I put together this cute little outfit that I purchased the night before. My mom takes one look at me and says: interesting. Not 'you look nice' or 'cute outfit', no, 'interesting.' That is not a compliment. Especially not with the look that correlates.
Holidays require two tables. I feel like even if you don't have a big family that requires a big table you probably still have two tables for holidays. Even if it's like only 3 people at one table and two at the other, there's got to be the two. Why? Cuz you need to have the kiddie table. There's the big people table and then the kiddie table. Guess who sat at my family's kiddie table? Yup, that would be me. Guess who sat at the big people table? Yeah, that would be my 9 and 3-year-old nephews.
Oh and the best part about Thanksgiving? It's just the beginning. It's just the beginning of the holiday season. Cuz then comes Christmas. Unlike the drama that came with where we're having Thanksgiving, Christmas is easy. It's always the same place. Christmas Eve at my Aunt's (two houses up from my parent's) and Christmas Day at my parent's. Every year. No surprises.
I ask my brother that lives in Vermont if he'll be home for Christmas this year. He tells me that he probably won't. That my parent's will be coming up to Vermont the weekend before Christmas to see him and his wife but that he'll probably miss out on Christmas at Joe's (my other brother). I inquire, 'what do you mean Christmas at Joe's?' He says, 'you didn't know? Joe's having Christmas at his place this year. Weren't you invited?'
I was not invited to Christmas.
This is why I don't go home anymore.
Every year there is great debate over where to have Thanksgiving. There area pretty much only two options: at my parent's or at my brother's in Vermont. The first (and only) year we had Thanksgiving at my brother's I was very much against the idea. This was because I was still in college and would only be home for a few days on break. I wanted to spend this time seeing my friends, not in a car for 14 hours. Of course, no one cared and we went to Vermont. Every year since I've been very much pro Thanksgiving in Vermont. This is because I was now living at home and seeing my friends all the freakin' time. Also, because having my brother in charge of Thanksgiving means my mom is not and thus it will inevitably be a much less stressful event. Of course, once again, no one has cared and we've spent every Thanksgiving since at my parent's. This year, it seemed almost definite - Vermont. There, of course, was drama - who would drive with who? Who would go up when? Who would sleep where? I stayed out of it. Mostly because I knew I would not be heard so why bother putting my two cents in. At the very last minute, for reasons beyond absurd, it was decided - we were to stay in NJ. I resolved that next year I would spend the holiday alone in my apartment with a hot pocket. I hate holidays!
I went home. This is why that was a bad idea.
Let's begin with the fact that I've been sick. I know what you're thinking. I'm always sick. But this is like really sick. This is can't eat anything sick. So this is no fun sick. Especially on Thanksgiving. I don't care about turkey. I don't think much of it. But, man oh man, do I love me some stuffing. And some sweet potatoes. And cranberry sauce! Oh and dessert. How I love dessert! But, alas, there was no dessert for me this Thanksgiving. There was half a cookie and then a stomachache.
What do I love about holidays? The clothes. Holidays are opportunities to get dressed up. Well, I suppose it is for people that are not my family. My family believes in a casual holiday atmosphere. I could get away with wearing my pj's to dinner type of atmosphere. I get dressed up anyway. I put together this cute little outfit that I purchased the night before. My mom takes one look at me and says: interesting. Not 'you look nice' or 'cute outfit', no, 'interesting.' That is not a compliment. Especially not with the look that correlates.
Holidays require two tables. I feel like even if you don't have a big family that requires a big table you probably still have two tables for holidays. Even if it's like only 3 people at one table and two at the other, there's got to be the two. Why? Cuz you need to have the kiddie table. There's the big people table and then the kiddie table. Guess who sat at my family's kiddie table? Yup, that would be me. Guess who sat at the big people table? Yeah, that would be my 9 and 3-year-old nephews.
Oh and the best part about Thanksgiving? It's just the beginning. It's just the beginning of the holiday season. Cuz then comes Christmas. Unlike the drama that came with where we're having Thanksgiving, Christmas is easy. It's always the same place. Christmas Eve at my Aunt's (two houses up from my parent's) and Christmas Day at my parent's. Every year. No surprises.
I ask my brother that lives in Vermont if he'll be home for Christmas this year. He tells me that he probably won't. That my parent's will be coming up to Vermont the weekend before Christmas to see him and his wife but that he'll probably miss out on Christmas at Joe's (my other brother). I inquire, 'what do you mean Christmas at Joe's?' He says, 'you didn't know? Joe's having Christmas at his place this year. Weren't you invited?'
I was not invited to Christmas.
This is why I don't go home anymore.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
we are not cold weather people.
from an email from my best-y:
Hi. I just wanted to send you a quick note and let you know that I love you and value your friendship in the event that I should die of pnuemonia before I see you. It is about 10 degrees in this workroom and I am not sure if I will make it. Have a nice day.
i responded suchly:
Your dedication to sending me such a note despite being on the verge of hypothermia and almost certain death shows that the sentiment is sincere. I ,too, love you and value your friendship and my thoughts are with you during this time. I do hope you pull through as I am very much looking forward to our junk food, chick flick, and booze-filled slumber party!
Hi. I just wanted to send you a quick note and let you know that I love you and value your friendship in the event that I should die of pnuemonia before I see you. It is about 10 degrees in this workroom and I am not sure if I will make it. Have a nice day.
i responded suchly:
Your dedication to sending me such a note despite being on the verge of hypothermia and almost certain death shows that the sentiment is sincere. I ,too, love you and value your friendship and my thoughts are with you during this time. I do hope you pull through as I am very much looking forward to our junk food, chick flick, and booze-filled slumber party!
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
...and this is why I don't call my parents.
So here's a little background for y'all. Last Christmas, my dad asked for a USB turntable so he could make mp3s out of his records. I thought this was totally bad-ass and was happy to purchase said item for him so that I could use it. Unfortunately, as the USB turntable only came out last winter, the few stores that even carried it were back ordered for months. None-the-less, I put myself on a waiting list for a store that expected more shipments in February and on Christmas morning I presented my dad with some random reggae record I picked up at Princeton Record Exchange in lieu of, and symbolically representing, his gift to come.
A few weeks later I got word that the turntable was in and that I had 24 hours to decide if I still wanted said item before my credit card would be charged. When I let my dad know that he can be expecting his belated present soon, he informs me that he is no longer interested. As it turns out he's been watching me spend hours upon hours uploading all of my CDs onto my ipod and has decided it looks like way too much work and he's no longer interested. End of story.
Fast forward to this holiday season. About a month ago, my mom hands me a catalog with what seems to be a USB Turntable on it circled with a red pen. She informs me that my dad has requested this item for Christmas and she will be getting it for him but since she doesn't know what it is, she wants me to order it for her. This item is $150 - slightly cheaper than what it was selling at a year ago when it first came out. USB Turntables are now being sold everywhere so I figure I'll just pick one up from Urban for her when it gets closer to Christmas. My mom calls me every other day inquiring as to whether I've purchased the gift yet. She is now convinced that this item will again sell out. I try to impress upon her the unlikeliness of this happening as it is no longer a new item and is now being sold everywhere to no avail.
While home for Thanksgiving I'm looking over some catalog and see a turntable that burns records to CD's. I suggest to my mom that this would be much better for my dad as that's all he's going to use the USB Turntable to do anyway. This would just eliminate an extra step. But since it's twice as much money my mom wants me to just get what my dad asked for.
So then I'm home again this past weekend and my dad is driving me to the train station and he asks if I got him the USB Turntable yet. As he was the one who circled the item in the catalog, I'm not surprised that he knows he's getting it. I tell him I'm working on it and I mention the new Turntable/CD Burner item. He then tells me that that's what he circled in the catalog he gave my mom. I didn't really look at what he circled so I can't say for sure but I did recall the item only costing $150 so I think that this is strange.
My room is somewhat of a disaster when I get back to my apartment so I don't even bother looking for the catalog. The next day at work I search online for other Turntable/CD Burner items, thinking that maybe the one I saw for $300 was just super extra fancy and that there might be ones selling for $150. This is, of course, not the case. Every one I find is $300 or more. I find one for $295, but definitely nothing close to $150. Interestingly enough, every USB Turntable I find is within the $140-$160 range. I come to the conclusion that my dad must not have realized that what he circled was not what he wanted. I call my mom to discuss this with her since what my dad really wants is going to cost twice as much as what she thought she was going to get him and to see if she just wants to get the cheaper item since he can do the same thing with it, just with one additional step or if she wants to get the $300 turntable.
Then this happens:
mom: Hello?
me (as I walk to the PATH after work): Hi.
mom (cheerful): Hi! You sound happy. Why do you sound happy?
me: I'm not. I mean, I'm not unhappy but I'm not particularly happy. I'm leaving work and it's cold out. I don't know.
mom: Did you get that thing for your dad yet?
me: Actually that's why I'm calling. I have a question about what he wants. See, I told him about that thing I saw in that catalog on Thanksgiving and it sounded like that's what he wanted but...
mom: hold on, I'll put him on the phone. (away from phone, but not really) JOE!!!!!!
me (a little louder): no, wait. I don't want to talk to dad. I already talked to dad about this!
dad: hello?
me: why did she put you on the phone? I need to talk to her about this!
dad: what do you need?
me: I need to talk to her. I was telling her that but she doesn't listen.
mom (in the background): I don't know what she's talking about. You talk to her.
dad: You're mom doesn't know what I want. Just buy it.
me: Can I please talk to her?
mom: hello?
me: mom, please listen, do not put dad on the phone! The thing is, what dad circled in that catalog...
mom: I don't know what it is. Talk to your dad about it.
me: DO NOT PUT DAD ON THE PHONE!!!
dad: hello?
me: What is wrong with her? Seriously!!
dad: calm down. now just tell me what's going on.
me: No! You already know what's going on. I need to explain this to mom.
dad: Just get me what I circled in that catalog.
me: But I'm pretty sure what you circled was the turntable that plugs into the computer.
dad: No. Did your mom give you the catalog where I circled the record player that makes CD copies?
me: Mom gave me the catalog but I'm pretty sure what you circled isn't what you think it is.
dad: You don't have the catalog. I'll find the catalog for you.
me: No, dad, mom gave me the catalog.
dad: Then just order that. The record player that burns cds.
me: Dad, I don't have the catalog in front of me but what you circled is too cheap to be the item that you want. I'm pretty sure...
dad: That's what I want. Just order it.
me: Can I please talk to mom?
mom: hello?
me: Please. Please. Do NOT put dad back on the phone! I do not have the catalog in front of me so I will look at it when I get home but what dad wants is not the same price as...
dad: hello?
me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????????
dad: Now calm down. This is not a big deal.
me: Fine. Fine. Whatever. Fine. (It is taking all of my will power to not just hang up the phone at this point. I am walking down Broadway screaming into my cell phone. I am becoming one of those people I hate.) I will go home and I will look at the catalog and see what you circled and then I will call back and I will discuss this. Fine.
dad: okay.
me: Please, put mom back on the phone and no matter what DO NOT take the phone back from her.
mom: I don't know what he wants. Just order what he circled.
me: Fine. Whatever. I am going to order what he circled in the catalog. It may cost $300.
mom: No what he circled cost $150.
me: I understand that. Please stay on the phone. But what he wants is $300. Don't give him the phone.
dad (in the background): just stay on the phone with her. I know you don't know what I want. I told her the same thing.
me: mom? are you listening?
mom: I don't know what he wants. Some record player thing.
me: Mom, I am telling you I know what he wants. I will buy it. Please listen, and don't give dad the phone. If dad is right and what is circled in the catalog is what he wants then I will order it. If I am right, and I think I am, then what he wants costs $300, however, and please stay on the phone for this, I can get something for $150 which will do the same thing as what he wants except with one additional step that requires hooking it up to the computer.
mom: the second one.
me: the $150 one with the extra step?
mom (Practically whispering so my dad won't hear, despite the fact that my dad knows exactly what he's getting!!!!): no, the other one.
me: the $300 one.
mom (still whispering): yeah.
me: fine. I'll see you for Christmas. Maybe. I still wasn't invited.
mom (exasperated): have a good night sara.
...And this is why I don't call home.
A few weeks later I got word that the turntable was in and that I had 24 hours to decide if I still wanted said item before my credit card would be charged. When I let my dad know that he can be expecting his belated present soon, he informs me that he is no longer interested. As it turns out he's been watching me spend hours upon hours uploading all of my CDs onto my ipod and has decided it looks like way too much work and he's no longer interested. End of story.
Fast forward to this holiday season. About a month ago, my mom hands me a catalog with what seems to be a USB Turntable on it circled with a red pen. She informs me that my dad has requested this item for Christmas and she will be getting it for him but since she doesn't know what it is, she wants me to order it for her. This item is $150 - slightly cheaper than what it was selling at a year ago when it first came out. USB Turntables are now being sold everywhere so I figure I'll just pick one up from Urban for her when it gets closer to Christmas. My mom calls me every other day inquiring as to whether I've purchased the gift yet. She is now convinced that this item will again sell out. I try to impress upon her the unlikeliness of this happening as it is no longer a new item and is now being sold everywhere to no avail.
While home for Thanksgiving I'm looking over some catalog and see a turntable that burns records to CD's. I suggest to my mom that this would be much better for my dad as that's all he's going to use the USB Turntable to do anyway. This would just eliminate an extra step. But since it's twice as much money my mom wants me to just get what my dad asked for.
So then I'm home again this past weekend and my dad is driving me to the train station and he asks if I got him the USB Turntable yet. As he was the one who circled the item in the catalog, I'm not surprised that he knows he's getting it. I tell him I'm working on it and I mention the new Turntable/CD Burner item. He then tells me that that's what he circled in the catalog he gave my mom. I didn't really look at what he circled so I can't say for sure but I did recall the item only costing $150 so I think that this is strange.
My room is somewhat of a disaster when I get back to my apartment so I don't even bother looking for the catalog. The next day at work I search online for other Turntable/CD Burner items, thinking that maybe the one I saw for $300 was just super extra fancy and that there might be ones selling for $150. This is, of course, not the case. Every one I find is $300 or more. I find one for $295, but definitely nothing close to $150. Interestingly enough, every USB Turntable I find is within the $140-$160 range. I come to the conclusion that my dad must not have realized that what he circled was not what he wanted. I call my mom to discuss this with her since what my dad really wants is going to cost twice as much as what she thought she was going to get him and to see if she just wants to get the cheaper item since he can do the same thing with it, just with one additional step or if she wants to get the $300 turntable.
Then this happens:
mom: Hello?
me (as I walk to the PATH after work): Hi.
mom (cheerful): Hi! You sound happy. Why do you sound happy?
me: I'm not. I mean, I'm not unhappy but I'm not particularly happy. I'm leaving work and it's cold out. I don't know.
mom: Did you get that thing for your dad yet?
me: Actually that's why I'm calling. I have a question about what he wants. See, I told him about that thing I saw in that catalog on Thanksgiving and it sounded like that's what he wanted but...
mom: hold on, I'll put him on the phone. (away from phone, but not really) JOE!!!!!!
me (a little louder): no, wait. I don't want to talk to dad. I already talked to dad about this!
dad: hello?
me: why did she put you on the phone? I need to talk to her about this!
dad: what do you need?
me: I need to talk to her. I was telling her that but she doesn't listen.
mom (in the background): I don't know what she's talking about. You talk to her.
dad: You're mom doesn't know what I want. Just buy it.
me: Can I please talk to her?
mom: hello?
me: mom, please listen, do not put dad on the phone! The thing is, what dad circled in that catalog...
mom: I don't know what it is. Talk to your dad about it.
me: DO NOT PUT DAD ON THE PHONE!!!
dad: hello?
me: What is wrong with her? Seriously!!
dad: calm down. now just tell me what's going on.
me: No! You already know what's going on. I need to explain this to mom.
dad: Just get me what I circled in that catalog.
me: But I'm pretty sure what you circled was the turntable that plugs into the computer.
dad: No. Did your mom give you the catalog where I circled the record player that makes CD copies?
me: Mom gave me the catalog but I'm pretty sure what you circled isn't what you think it is.
dad: You don't have the catalog. I'll find the catalog for you.
me: No, dad, mom gave me the catalog.
dad: Then just order that. The record player that burns cds.
me: Dad, I don't have the catalog in front of me but what you circled is too cheap to be the item that you want. I'm pretty sure...
dad: That's what I want. Just order it.
me: Can I please talk to mom?
mom: hello?
me: Please. Please. Do NOT put dad back on the phone! I do not have the catalog in front of me so I will look at it when I get home but what dad wants is not the same price as...
dad: hello?
me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????????
dad: Now calm down. This is not a big deal.
me: Fine. Fine. Whatever. Fine. (It is taking all of my will power to not just hang up the phone at this point. I am walking down Broadway screaming into my cell phone. I am becoming one of those people I hate.) I will go home and I will look at the catalog and see what you circled and then I will call back and I will discuss this. Fine.
dad: okay.
me: Please, put mom back on the phone and no matter what DO NOT take the phone back from her.
mom: I don't know what he wants. Just order what he circled.
me: Fine. Whatever. I am going to order what he circled in the catalog. It may cost $300.
mom: No what he circled cost $150.
me: I understand that. Please stay on the phone. But what he wants is $300. Don't give him the phone.
dad (in the background): just stay on the phone with her. I know you don't know what I want. I told her the same thing.
me: mom? are you listening?
mom: I don't know what he wants. Some record player thing.
me: Mom, I am telling you I know what he wants. I will buy it. Please listen, and don't give dad the phone. If dad is right and what is circled in the catalog is what he wants then I will order it. If I am right, and I think I am, then what he wants costs $300, however, and please stay on the phone for this, I can get something for $150 which will do the same thing as what he wants except with one additional step that requires hooking it up to the computer.
mom: the second one.
me: the $150 one with the extra step?
mom (Practically whispering so my dad won't hear, despite the fact that my dad knows exactly what he's getting!!!!): no, the other one.
me: the $300 one.
mom (still whispering): yeah.
me: fine. I'll see you for Christmas. Maybe. I still wasn't invited.
mom (exasperated): have a good night sara.
...And this is why I don't call home.
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