The 'My Dad is Freakin' Old' Party!

So the thing is, my dad, he's freakin' old! So his loving children decided to throw a party in celebration of his 60th birthday, amomentous event! More specifically his loving children were told by his loving wife to throw him a party. So now we have to plan this little shindig. Unfortunately my old man had to go and raise good, productive children who have careers, families, and dogs, and/or who live really freakin' far away. All except one that is, so the main responsibility of organizing this event has rested upon yours truly.

First thing that needs to be done is to decide what sort of 'my dad's freakin' old' party this is going to be. Of course it has to be big. Bigger than say, a Mr. Ron Esak's 60th birhday party with two bands and an ice cream truck. This party is going to be a hootenanny (little bit of hoot, lots o' nanny). It's going to be wild. Page six shit, man! Dancing on the tables, puking on the lawn. We will be forever remembered for this wild party and will be put into the same category as P.Diddy and those annoying spoiled kids from MTV's Sweet 16.

First things first, we needed to decide if it was going to be a surprise party or not. While my siblings were for surprising our pop, I felt that it was bad idea for two very key reasons. One, we really need to consider the health risk of a suprise of this stature at his age, and, two, the dude started inviting people months ago, clearly he knows it's coming. Plus, it's going to be kind of hard throwing a surprise party for him in his own backyard. I know my dad's getting a bit slow in his old age but come on! Which brings us to our next decision to be made: location. My ingenuous idea of hosting the party in a roller rink was quickly shut down. No imagination do these siblings of mine have. So unless another venue opens up it will remain in my parent's backyard. While not ideal, it does help us save money and travel time.

Our current conundrum is deciding on a theme. Unfortunately the roller disco theme doesn't really hold up well without the roller rink. My sister suggested a costume party, but with it being held in June and not October and being that most of the attendees are going to be old and boring, I'm thinking it's not the best plan to go with. My sister, always on the lookout for opportunities to wear her feetie pj's, suggested a pajama party. Also, quickly shut down. There was the 'This is Your Life' idea, but considering that my dad's freakin' old we're thinking his third grade teacher is probably six feet under at this point. So then we came up with 'This isn't Your Life' where we'd just get people off the street who don't know my father at all. Maybe finding some hot chick and announcing 'if you never met mom this could've been your wife,' and finding some crazy pierced and tattooed person (no, not me) and being like 'if you never had us, this could be your kid.' But what with my dad already having an illegitimate German child and Sarah McLaughlin being my long-lost half-sister, the likeliness that this random hot chick is actually my father's mistress and this random crazy tattooed and pierced kid is actually my half-sibling is too great and not worth the risk. I recommended we roast my father, but my sister said that it could turn cruel, but I felt it was only fair after my father told me I looked like Joe DiMaggio. Anyway, now we're pretty much lost for ideas. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Once the theme is taken care of we can move onto entertainment and guest list. I'm thinking 50 cent and Beyonce. Oh, yeah, this is gonna be a good party! (ed. note: I do not look like Joe DiMaggio!)