...and this is why I don't call my parents.

So here's a little background for y'all. Last Christmas, my dad asked for a USB turntable so he could make mp3s out of his records. I thought this was totally bad-ass and was happy to purchase said item for him so that I could use it. Unfortunately, as the USB turntable only came out last winter, the few stores that even carried it were back ordered for months. None-the-less, I put myself on a waiting list for a store that expected more shipments in February and on Christmas morning I presented my dad with some random reggae record I picked up at Princeton Record Exchange in lieu of, and symbolically representing, his gift to come.

A few weeks later I got word that the turntable was in and that I had 24 hours to decide if I still wanted said item before my credit card would be charged. When I let my dad know that he can be expecting his belated present soon, he informs me that he is no longer interested. As it turns out he's been watching me spend hours upon hours uploading all of my CDs onto my ipod and has decided it looks like way too much work and he's no longer interested. End of story.

Fast forward to this holiday season. About a month ago, my mom hands me a catalog with what seems to be a USB Turntable on it circled with a red pen. She informs me that my dad has requested this item for Christmas and she will be getting it for him but since she doesn't know what it is, she wants me to order it for her. This item is $150 - slightly cheaper than what it was selling at a year ago when it first came out. USB Turntables are now being sold everywhere so I figure I'll just pick one up from Urban for her when it gets closer to Christmas. My mom calls me every other day inquiring as to whether I've purchased the gift yet. She is now convinced that this item will again sell out. I try to impress upon her the unlikeliness of this happening as it is no longer a new item and is now being sold everywhere to no avail.

While home for Thanksgiving I'm looking over some catalog and see a turntable that burns records to CD's. I suggest to my mom that this would be much better for my dad as that's all he's going to use the USB Turntable to do anyway. This would just eliminate an extra step. But since it's twice as much money my mom wants me to just get what my dad asked for.

So then I'm home again this past weekend and my dad is driving me to the train station and he asks if I got him the USB Turntable yet. As he was the one who circled the item in the catalog, I'm not surprised that he knows he's getting it. I tell him I'm working on it and I mention the new Turntable/CD Burner item. He then tells me that that's what he circled in the catalog he gave my mom. I didn't really look at what he circled so I can't say for sure but I did recall the item only costing $150 so I think that this is strange.

My room is somewhat of a disaster when I get back to my apartment so I don't even bother looking for the catalog. The next day at work I search online for other Turntable/CD Burner items, thinking that maybe the one I saw for $300 was just super extra fancy and that there might be ones selling for $150. This is, of course, not the case. Every one I find is $300 or more. I find one for $295, but definitely nothing close to $150. Interestingly enough, every USB Turntable I find is within the $140-$160 range. I come to the conclusion that my dad must not have realized that what he circled was not what he wanted. I call my mom to discuss this with her since what my dad really wants is going to cost twice as much as what she thought she was going to get him and to see if she just wants to get the cheaper item since he can do the same thing with it, just with one additional step or if she wants to get the $300 turntable.

Then this happens:

mom: Hello?
me (as I walk to the PATH after work): Hi.
mom (cheerful): Hi! You sound happy. Why do you sound happy?
me: I'm not. I mean, I'm not unhappy but I'm not particularly happy. I'm leaving work and it's cold out. I don't know.
mom: Did you get that thing for your dad yet?
me: Actually that's why I'm calling. I have a question about what he wants. See, I told him about that thing I saw in that catalog on Thanksgiving and it sounded like that's what he wanted but...
mom: hold on, I'll put him on the phone. (away from phone, but not really) JOE!!!!!!
me (a little louder): no, wait. I don't want to talk to dad. I already talked to dad about this!
dad: hello?
me: why did she put you on the phone? I need to talk to her about this!
dad: what do you need?
me: I need to talk to her. I was telling her that but she doesn't listen.
mom (in the background): I don't know what she's talking about. You talk to her.
dad: You're mom doesn't know what I want. Just buy it.
me: Can I please talk to her?
mom: hello?
me: mom, please listen, do not put dad on the phone! The thing is, what dad circled in that catalog...
mom: I don't know what it is. Talk to your dad about it.
me: DO NOT PUT DAD ON THE PHONE!!!
dad: hello?
me: What is wrong with her? Seriously!!
dad: calm down. now just tell me what's going on.
me: No! You already know what's going on. I need to explain this to mom.
dad: Just get me what I circled in that catalog.
me: But I'm pretty sure what you circled was the turntable that plugs into the computer.
dad: No. Did your mom give you the catalog where I circled the record player that makes CD copies?
me: Mom gave me the catalog but I'm pretty sure what you circled isn't what you think it is.
dad: You don't have the catalog. I'll find the catalog for you.
me: No, dad, mom gave me the catalog.
dad: Then just order that. The record player that burns cds.
me: Dad, I don't have the catalog in front of me but what you circled is too cheap to be the item that you want. I'm pretty sure...
dad: That's what I want. Just order it.
me: Can I please talk to mom?
mom: hello?
me: Please. Please. Do NOT put dad back on the phone! I do not have the catalog in front of me so I will look at it when I get home but what dad wants is not the same price as...
dad: hello?
me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????????
dad: Now calm down. This is not a big deal.
me: Fine. Fine. Whatever. Fine. (It is taking all of my will power to not just hang up the phone at this point. I am walking down Broadway screaming into my cell phone. I am becoming one of those people I hate.) I will go home and I will look at the catalog and see what you circled and then I will call back and I will discuss this. Fine.
dad: okay.
me: Please, put mom back on the phone and no matter what DO NOT take the phone back from her.
mom: I don't know what he wants. Just order what he circled.
me: Fine. Whatever. I am going to order what he circled in the catalog. It may cost $300.
mom: No what he circled cost $150.
me: I understand that. Please stay on the phone. But what he wants is $300. Don't give him the phone.
dad (in the background): just stay on the phone with her. I know you don't know what I want. I told her the same thing.
me: mom? are you listening?
mom: I don't know what he wants. Some record player thing.
me: Mom, I am telling you I know what he wants. I will buy it. Please listen, and don't give dad the phone. If dad is right and what is circled in the catalog is what he wants then I will order it. If I am right, and I think I am, then what he wants costs $300, however, and please stay on the phone for this, I can get something for $150 which will do the same thing as what he wants except with one additional step that requires hooking it up to the computer.
mom: the second one.
me: the $150 one with the extra step?
mom (Practically whispering so my dad won't hear, despite the fact that my dad knows exactly what he's getting!!!!): no, the other one.
me: the $300 one.
mom (still whispering): yeah.
me: fine. I'll see you for Christmas. Maybe. I still wasn't invited.
mom (exasperated): have a good night sara.

...And this is why I don't call home.