the bruises were fist kisses

spending time together is easy when you spend so much time apart. i gave up my freedom but i gained a second heart.




second heart is all i need this fall cuz you know i need someone to sing me to sleep.




making good decisions is easy when you haven't got a choice. telephone turn on sunshine when it sends you the right voice.




hello to the angry phone bill. they charge for my whole life. wise man, he once told me, cut the cord with a kitchen knife.




kitchen knife is all i need this fall cuz you know i need someone to sing me to




...zzz...






credit where credit is due.
"the bruises were fist kisses" accredited to Ben White
photos by alex johnson
lyrics - "Coupla Easy Things" Bishop Allen

i brought you this

marysol foucault
wheat toast

go there. seriously. for the following reasons.


max key


miranda lehman


sarah k. meadows


hanne piasecki



bryan schutmaat

lina scheynius

fae young scherling

need another reason? fine, one more.

Even the Canadian thinks this is messed up!

I apaprently started writing about this on May 23 so you know like a really long time ago but never posted it. It's funny so I'm posting it now. Enjoy!

So check it, about a month ago I hung out with my brother and his Canadian. And we're telling him all sorts of crazy family stories and we're like seriously, totally blowing this guy's mind and his mind being blown by situations that I, at this point, think of as normal totally blows my mind. So this is just a few days after my mom totally hung up on me so I tell him the story. The entire time he thinks I'm on the phone with my sister because the story prior was about my sister so he's all like, whoa, that's kinda messed up and I'm like dude, I know, my mom like totally hung up on me. And he's like Holy crap! Your mom hung up on you? That's like seriously messed up. Whoah!! Like Whoah!!! Eh. (Cuz he's Canadian).

But now when I tell this story some people like to focus on the wrong part of the story. Some people like to focus on the reason I called my mom. That's not important. I ask you, my dear reader, not to focus on my inability to function on my own, and to focus on the fact that my mom hung up on me! Okay, here goes:

So one Friday night, about a month ago, around 11:30pm, I called my mom. I called because I wanted to get her opinion on whether or not my milk was still good. Let me explain, see I got this new milk, this all-organic natural milk and the carton claimed it was good until May 15. This happened around April 15th so I thought maybe it was a typo cuz since when does milk stay good for a full month! But I thought, maybe this is special milk and maybe all-organic natural milk stays good for an absurdly long time. The milk didn't smell particularly bad but I'm not a good judge at those sort of things so I wanted back up. Now as I was on the phone with my mom I read another part of the carton that said that the milk was best when used within five days of opening and it had been a week so I realized that the milk probably wasn't okay but before that I wasn't sure. Okay? Get over it.

So I call my mom and she answers and I pose the milk dilemma to her. She tells me to smell the milk. To taste it. See for myself if it's sour. I inform her that I can't tell, thus why I called her for reassurance. There's a pause and she asks how she should know if my milk is good or not. I ask her if she was sleeping because her responses are a little slow and she assures me she wasn't. She asks me if I'm coming home on Saturday and I tell her that I am. I ask again about the milk and she again tells me she can't help me. We chat about nothing. She's still slow with her responses. She asks again if I'm coming home on Saturday and I inform her that my answer hasn't changed in the last two minutes so yes I will be home. I inform her that the milk isn't chunky or anything, so maybe it's okay to drink? There's a pause and she responds that she doesn't care whether I drink the sour milk or not. I wonder what I did to piss her off. I wonder what I said. She asks yet again if I'll be home on Saturday and I answer again that I will. I wonder what I'm forgetting about Saturday that it's this huge deal. I go to ask her but then...she hangs up! She just hangs up on me! My own mother!!

All night I'm worrying about what I said, what I did, what the heck next Saturday is! So the next morning I give her a call back. She's in a much more pleasant mood. I ask her about the phone call last night and she laughs. She hangs up on me and then she laughs about it! The nerve!!! She says she woke up this morning and vaguely remembers talking to me and telling me that she didn't care whether or not I drank the sour milk and she said she felt really bad about that. She doesn't even remember hanging up on me. Seriously. No love!

I don't know. I think there was more to this story but since I started writing this in May and it actually happened in April - well I just can't remember. I still think it's funny though. Cuz my mom hung up on me. Ha.

I've got a bike. You can ride it if you like. It's got a basket, a bell that rings, and things to make it look good.

I was twelve. Anthony was in his first year of college so he couldn't go. It was my dad's annual union picnic. We hated these things but we went every year for my dad. He was in his element there. We just stood around awkwardly. It was better together, but it was just me and it was no fun.

There was a pool but it was crowded. There was food and games but I was too young or old to enjoy most of it. There were raffles. Things no one needed or wanted. Except the bike. I wanted a bike. I was going to wait until Christmas - that was the bike holiday. Kids didn't just get bikes on any random day. Birthdays and Christmas and it was summer so I had some time to wait. But there was one there. At this picnic I didn't want to be at. My dad could tell I wasn't having fun no matter how hard I tried to pretend. He appreciated my attempt and he bought a raffle. "You're getting a bike today," he told me. I wanted to believe him but didn't want to be too disappointed if I didn't win. The day dragged on. My dad was having a good time and I tried to stay out of the way. It was the last union picnic we would go to. The year before Anthony was there and he kept me entertained. His being there also meant my dad could drink because Anthony could drive home. This year, it was just me and my dad and it wasn't the same for either of us. We stayed until the raffles were pulled. I didn't win. I wasn't too disappointed. I was just ready to go home. I would wait until Christmas.

As we drove I put the day behind me, the crowded pool, the picnic food, and the bike. Driving down rt. 18 I didn't realize where we were going until after we pulled into the parking lot of the bike shop. "I told you you were getting a bike today," my dad said as he got out of the truck.

It was a deep purple Trek bike and it was perfect.

The point is, someone stole my bike. I'm going to beat them up if I find them. I hope it wasn't you.

Who needs a house out in Hackensack?

I have to move. I don't want to. I went to look at a place the other night with JM. Despite being only a block from where I live now, the area was surprisingly super sketchy. Despite being only about $200 less than what we now pay for a three bedroom apartment with a full living room and fairly nice sized kitchen, this place was two bedrooms, each the size of one of my closets currently, and a kinda kitchen space/room. And it was dirty and sketchy and gross and I would never live there.

And everything I find on Craig's List is either super expensive or a scam so I've narrowed my options to:

1. moving back in with my parent's (ha)
2. moving in with anthony and jill in montpelier (i would totally actually do this if it didn't mean that two very important people in my life would pretty much never talk to me again if i did)
3. quitting my job, selling all my belongings and moving to peru (or beirut)

So I called my parents to get their thoughts on my options. My dad's suggestions (I'm not making these up!!):

1. JM moving into my current room with me. Get bunk beds.
2. move in with a recently married friend of the family who just bought a house in monroe

Any guesses to the final - and absolutely serious - solution from my parents...

Yup that's right....
3. Pray about it! Give it up to God!

When I end up homeless in a month, you'll know who to blame.

Everyone's disguised just a little bit.

I bought the dress for $15 at that vintage store in Montpelier.

I tried it on and it fit perfectly. I was amazed. Home-made. 1950's. It was clear it wasn't just a 1950's style but actually from the 50's. Otherwies the sleeves would have been shortened. The hem above the knee, not below. Stitches were stretching. Buttons fell off long ago.

"Be careful when you wash this," she said with a smile when she handed me the bag.

I held up the dress outside to show Jill. She gave a look that made it clear she was following the if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all rule. I folded the dress back up and placed it in the bag. I didn't care. The dress was mine.

I wore the dress today. It seemed an odd choice. For Wolf Parade. I wore the dress today.

At work, everyone smiled and said nice things. For the first time in a month she spoke to me. "French schoolgirl. Gorgeous dress!"

We went to the show. I felt out of place but didn't care. Alex and I made our way to the front and waited. We danced in place. Happy to be just out of way for the more aggressive fans.

"Just be careful guys. With the 'moshing.' Just be respectful and try to be nice." Spencer said. "I mean that wasn't even a fast song."

The $7 beer hit me fast - my bladder anyway. I pushed my way to the back, behind the bar, to the bathroom. Crowds of people. Standing. Listening. Some pushing forward to get to the bar, me in the opposite direction. Two guys push forward. The second texts away. Gawd, pay attention where you're going guy, I think. He looks up and stares me down. Do I know you, I wonder. Because seriously dude, wtf? He stares me down some more as I push through.

I make my way back to Alex. Fists pump in the air and we sing along. You know I'll believe in anything and you'll believe in anything because nobody knows you and nobody gives a damn either way.

We walk back to Columbus Circle and part ways. I take the D to Herald Square and take the stairs to the PATH. A train sits waiting. It's 11:07 and the train doesn't list a destination. Everyone boards. I assume, it being past 11 and with no one waiting on the platform that the train will make all stops. After 14th street I realize some people are left on the platform after the doors close. At 9th I wonder if maybe this is just a Hoboken train. At Christopher I debate getting up to check but don't move. At Hoboken I follow the crowd out. There are two trains sitting. I board the 33rd street train with everyone else. Frustrated to have to return to Christopher Street to get back to Jersey. Realizing that at that point the trains will only be running the late night schedule and I'll be right back in that spot in another twenty minutes. I sit and wait. As the doors are about to close on the empty train across the platform I realize it is the WTC train, making a stop at Pavonia Newport. I quickly exit the train and make my way across the platform. I get on the train just as the door closes behind me. I realize as I sit that the train isn't as empty as I thought.

His jeans are ripped and I feel him watching me as I sit down. I go back to reading my book.

"This train goes to Connecticut, right?" Even from across the car I can see that he has a good smile.

"Eventually." I didn't know what to say. I smile hoping he didn't hear my failed attempt at a joke. I focus back on my book.

I realize he's moved to the seat across from me before I even look up. Upon closer inspection I realize his eyes are just as good as his smile. He's young but not too young. Teen Beat cute but with just the right amount of roughness around the edges.

"Going to New York?" He has a nice voice.

I shake my head. "Jersey."

"From Jersey to Jersey?"

"No New York to Jersey. Wrong train. Long story."

He asks where I work. Where I live. Where he lives. We exchange vague locations. New York. Jersey City. New York. He was coming from Hoboken. Fun, he says. Sure, I say.

"I like your dress."

"Thanks," I smile.

"You have a really nice smile."

"Thanks," my smile bigger.

"Do you have a boyfriend."

"Yeah, I do." my smile biggest.

I think of the times I've lied to that question. Easier to lie than to explain to a complete stranger that my lack of a boyfriend is not an open invitation. I wonder if I would've lied to him.

"Does he live with you?" A look as if he realizes that it's a strange question to ask just a little too late.

"Nope. He lives in Virginia."

"That's no good."

I shake my head, "no good at all."

"Why does your boyfriend live in Virginia?"

"That's a really good question," I admit.

"Have you ever asked yourself that question?" his smile doesn't fade.

"All the time," neither does mine.

We pull into the station.

"This is my stop," I nod towards the exit. "Good luck getting to New York."

"Good luck with your boyfriend."

I smile to myself as I cross the platform and wait for the Journal Square train. Wolf Parade plays in my head, wishing that I had cell service underground. I wonder if it'll be too late to call by the time I get to Journal Square.

I think about the boy in Virginia. The one who thinks I have a nice smile. The one who would think I looked pretty in this dress. Because this heart's on fire and it's getting better all the time. I think about him and I smile.

Good luck, Goodbye. Thanks, Boss.

I'm pretty sure my stance on romance can be pretty easily summed up by my opinion that Bruce Springsteen's Thunder Road is one of the best love songs ever written if only for the lyric: You ain't a beauty but hey you're alright/Oh and that's alright with me. which is pretty much the sweetest thing ever. Followed closely by the lyrics of Billy Joel's Just the Way Your Are which essentially, if you think about it, says the same thing.

Explains a lot really.

If you're under the impression that I'm alright...

i wanted to post some cuz it's been some time and all. but tonight i worked crazy late. and now i'm just wasting time playlist-ing and magazine perusing and i can't seem to hold on to a thought long enough to actually put pen to paper so to speak so this is all i gots for now, other people much better at life than me:

the ones we love.
i need help.
american teen trailer.

I'm going to Hawaii.

I'm going to Hawaii.

I booked my flight last night.

I'm going to Hawaii.

I'm not going till January 14, 2009, but I'm still going to Hawaii.

And all last night and all this morning, in my head, it's all, i'mgoingtohawaiii'mgoingtohawaiii'mgoingtohawaii!!!!!!!!!

And for the next seven months it's going to be i'mgoingtohawaiii'mgoingtohawaiii'mgoingtohawaiii'mgoingtohawaii!!!!!!!!!

So you and I might be in a deep philosophical discussion about the meaning of life and Barak Obama and rising gas prices and global warming and globalization, but in my head it'll be all like i'mgoingtohawaiii'mgoingtohawaiii'mgoingtohawaii!!!!!!

And you're not.

(unless you want to. come with me. cheap flights. book now!)

the heart boner post reminded me...

There are lots of things I've done in my life that I'm proud of. Some of the highlights:

- not only passing my history class senior year and being allowed to graduate, but actually receiving a completely undeserved B. awesome!
- writing my 50 page senior paper in three days - while studying for my other finals and completing my journalism II journal - and receiving an A+ on it and being asked - out of all undergrad fashion merch majors - to present it at some undergrad symposium forum thingee.
- getting that award thingee (i don't remember the name of it) that was awarded to one student from each department by a faculty that less than a year earlier probably didn't even know i was in their department.
- being editor in chief of the banner.
- the series of events that took place at the 50 days party.
- eventually moving out of my parent's house (although apparently some people believe that despite the fact that i now live 45 miles away from my parents and am very rarely ever in monroe, that essentially i still live there)
- going four months (and counting) without cutting my hair!
- keeping phish alive, not only longer than all his fishy friends thus proving all those that voted my fish the fish to die first wrong, but keeping a freakin' goldfish alive for two freakin' years!
- beating anthony and craig at bowling.

out of all those awesome accomplishments, the one i may be most proud of...

completing (and surviving) my three nights, three cities, three shows weekend!

friday night: lionely neykov - brooklyn
saturday night: georgie james - washington, d.c.
sunday night: handsome furs - nyc

awesome shows. awesome weekend. awesome me. yay.

this song is about boners...in your heart.

i wrote this on April 7th, the morning after the handsome furs show. i don't know why i didn't post it then. i think i was going to attach the video i took at the show. i'm posting it now. maybe in another month i'll post the video?

heart boner. last night. handsome furs. bowery. fucking awesome.


that's all.

the verdict is still out on the perfect storm though. what the fuck was that? google is no help. well it was either ridiculously brilliant or just ridiculous. thoughts?

oh and i'm here to set the record straight, internet: dan boeckner did not attend columbia.

This is how I went crazy. Slowly and then quickly.

I was up late already last night. I got distracted by the past and didn't want to sleep. I was thinking about London. I was reading Sylvia Plath in my bed and listening to my Itunes. It was almost 2am.

I turned off my computer and put the book away. Turned off the light and put head to pillow ready to sleep. And then I heard a sound. Something vibrating. I thought maybe I had gotten a text message but my phone usually beeps along with vibrating when I get a message. Also the sound was muffled and my phone was right there on my night stand. I checked, no messages. I ignored it.

A minute later, and another vibration. I tried to think of what could possibly be making this noise and realized that, besides my silent phone, there was nothing. I ignored it and tried to sleep.

I wake up thinking it's morning. I swore my alarm had woken me up but when I look at the clock I realize it's only 2:40 and I had barely been asleep an hour. It was that sound that had woken me. That almost silent vibrating sound. I looked around trying to find the source - nothing. I got out of bed trying to see where the sound was loudest but there was no change in volume. I thought maybe it was an alarm of some kind going off but there was inconsistency to the vibrations. A minute apart and then a few minutes of silence and then three within thirty seconds. I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep but I couldn't. Every time my eyes closed it went off again and I would be awake. Loud car alarms I could sleep through but this damn near-silent vibration had me wide awake - and thoroughly pissed off. Past 3am at this point, I start getting paranoid. I start imagining scary movies where you realize that the killers under the bed after his cell phone goes off and the idiot victim is all "OMG - He's in the house!!" Luckily, I have so much crap crammed under my bed there's no room for B-movie villians but I check anyway. I look in the closets in the living room adjoining my room. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And again the bzzzz of the phantom vibrations. By 4am I'm in tears. I just want to sleep. I just want to know what the f*** is making this sound. So I can destroy it. Crush it. Kill it. And then sleep. Peaceful sleep.

By 5, I think I've lost my mind. Maybe the sound is only in my head. Maybe it's the ghost of cell phones past. I think about sleeping on the living room couch but you can still hear it in there. I pull apart my room. Take my bed apart.

At 5:30am I give up. I put on my ipod earphones. Blast some Counting Crows and crash.

Two hours later my actual alarm goes off. I feel horrible and still a little crazy. I call into the office, opting for half a sick day. After I hang up the phone, I get back in bed, and I realize....silence. It's gone. Whatever it was, it's gone. And I sleep.

Tonight I'm sleeping at Alex's. If I hear it again when I'm back at my apartment tomorrow night, I may have to move. If I hear it again tonight at Alex's, I don't know what I'll do.

I am 32 flavors and then some...

But if you're looking for a little vanilla - check it. 

In completely and totally unrelated news (like not even a little bit related), I was totally going to post all sorts of awesomeness last night. Like about how Zooey Deschannel is my new bff, how I'm engaged and getting free meals, how bat shit crazy my family really is, how my mom hung up on me, how Mickey Dolenz and NKOTB are totally making my life right now, how sad Vampire Weekend and babies make me, how I'm thrilled and at the same time totally sad to be Tickles-less, how awesome sml cookies test run went, how I'm the star master, how I'm now a part of the Sara Kendall Trio - which actually really truly exists, how I'm embracing my complete nerdom and posting comic con pics, how the cat litter all over my floor makes me sad, how swallowing a bug only makes the top five list of gross things that happened to me last week, how much awesomer fantasy and lies are compared to reality, how gene chandler's gots moves, how much i love warm clothes weather, how much i detest being at the whim of people with cars, how much i love being car-less, how self-involved i really truly am, how i'm not a cat person, dog person, or people person and will surely die alone, but how being engaged fixes that problem, how i'm going to make my fiance clean up after me, cuz why else would you get engaged? how much i really want to watch newsies and dazed and confused right now and wish that a) i wasn't at work and b) i had a vcr or b) wish i had those movies on dvd cuz who even has vhs's anymore, and yes, all of this is really totally going on in my head right now and aren't you concerned for me??

but...i got distracted.

oops. sorry. try again later.

We Remember. 04.16.07

Remember. Honor. Act.

I'm obviously never getting on an elevator again.

well i thought about the army...

but dad said son you're fucking high.

so instead i decided to open a cookie bakery.

it would be called sml cookies.

cuz we'd sell small/medium/large cookies.

and cuz sara mennona loves cookies.

there's a logo and everything.

but i'm not allowed to show it to you.

cuz someone asked me not to.

and normally i wouldn't care and i'd post it anyway.

but i'm being nice today.

check back tomorrow.

also cuz it's on my computer at work.

and i'm at home.

and we'd have chocolate chip cookies.

but also like crazy chocolate, mint, peanut butter, sure to give you diabetes cookies.

that tasted like rainbows.

and love.

and people would come from far away.

like maine.

for my cookies.

and i'd be all cool working at my cookie bakery.

like maggie gyllenhaal.

and maybe i'd marry peter sarsgaard.

and we'd have a kid.

except without the having a kid thing.

and we'd start a club for people with double a's in their names.

and we'd serve sml cookies at all the club meetings.

and life would be good.

"son," she said. "have i got a little story for you..."

so pearl jam and ted leo and the pharmacists are playing the garden in june and while i think it'd be a cool show to see, here are my concerns:

1. madison square garden? both pearl jam and ted leo belong in a small venue or club. ted can't handle the garden and while pearl jam probably can, it's not gonna be pretty. put 'em in bowery or williamsburg and then you'd have a show to see.

2. $77? for serious?

3. pearl jam and ted leo? i <3 me some ted leo and i've got nothing against eddie but i just can't see them sharing a stage.

plus i'd be going mostly to see ted leo and he's pretty solid with closing out the free summer shows at mccarren park pool. which if you're following solves all three problems as it's not at the garden. it's not $77. and it's not with eddie vedder. is all i'm saying.

This is late, but then so were they.

april fools day. all day I was waiting for something from my brother. He's a prankster. Nothing.

April 2nd I get an email from Brother's Car Impoundment Unit with subject line: Your Car Reg. No. A102452110032 is ready for collection. The email informed me that at 9:35 that morning my car had been removed from my parent's address (where my car has been residing) for being illegally parked. The towaway was apparently authorized by Section 34.2 of 1999 Parking Regulations (SI 876). This email was followed by Alan Grohert with a subject line: Assistance with the ___ Account (an account I work on). Did I not mention that these were coming to my work email address? Alan wanted to inform me that my Account Director (her name was included in the email) asked him to contact me to work on a project. The email included the following P.S.: I'm actually naked in the office at the moment as everyone else is currently in a meeting. It's a great feeling of freedom. I'd recommend it to anyone. Throughout the day I received 14 more emails. One from a good friend asking me where I was the night before as she had waited for over an hour for me to arrive. One was to confirm a training day for "Elementary Telephone Skills" that my manager had apparently signed me up for since I have an "appalling telephone manner." Another from an assistant producer at an Adult Productions company informing me that a friend of mine (his name was included in the email) having appeared in a number of their DVD's including "Confessions of a Doofus" and "Wayne's Donkey" had suggested they contact me as I might have the right "assets" (and yes assets was in quotes in the email) to work within the growing adult entertainment business. A favorite of mine was from the head of my company discussing inappropriate activities in the work environment. It was a reminder that all employees have a duty to "uphold a basic standard of decency" in the office. So yeah, "In future, anyone found masturbating on the premises will face instant dismissal." There was an email from a high school crush. My order from Lucky Leo's Used Sex Toy's had been "despatched." Annonymous wrote me an ode to his llama: I will hug them, squish them, and love them forever... My clinic results were in and I have finally tested negative.

And my favorite:
Again from the owner of the company where I work. I have taken out all references to his name and the company name but they were all in the actual email.

Subject line: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:Hey shit face.

Alright, that's enough, Sara. I can take a joke like anyone else, but you've now overstepped the mark and I am now obliged to start disciplinary proceedings against you. Using the email system for offensive and crude messaging is a clear breach of _______'s work policy.

This email constitutes a first written warning as set out in the terms and conditions of employment at _______. Any further infringements will lead to a second and final warning. Please note that your employment records will now be updated to incorporate this official reprimand.

______
_______

-----------------------------------------------------
>From: smennona@
>Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re:Hey shit face
>Date: 30 Mar, 2008 13:42
>To:
>
>Up your ass, dick head.
>
-----------------------------------------------------
>From:
>Subject: Re: Re: Re:Hey shit face
>Date: 30 Mar, 2008 13:42
>To:
>
>Come on, this is sounding a bit like you mean
>it. Just stop now before I take it seriously.
>
-----------------------------------------------------
>From:
>Subject: Re: Re:Hey shit face
>Date: 30 Mar, 2008 13:42
>To:
>
>No really, you are a shitface
>
-----------------------------------------------------
>From:
>Subject: Re:Hey shit face
>Date: 30 Mar, 2008 13:42
>To:
>
>Very funny Sara... have you been drinking *lol*
>
-----------------------------------------------------
>From:
>Subject: Hey shit face
>Date: 30 Mar, 2008 13:42
>To:
>
>Dear ______,
>
>I see your face looks like shit again!

while i'm stuck in my head i'm not getting anywhere

yesterday i had the following three things stuck in my head. nothing triggered them. they just appeared. and all day i kept repeating them. trying to remember where they were from. i was driving so i couldn't google it. eventually i figured out one of them. and googled the other two once i got home. one was this random line hallie lowenthal gives to graham on my so-called life about how "every conversation i have with you feels like the first one. i can't make any damn headway." i'm going to leave the other quote unattributed. points for you if you figure it out. or you can search it on imdb. the song i had stuck in my head was paul brill. i'm posting the video for the song. i had the song stuck in my head for days even before watching this brilliant video. now it's never going to go away.

"He's so cheesy I can't watch him without crackers."

come and sing it now...

I don't really know what to say about this but I felt inclined to post it so without further ado: